I laughed out loud watching Michael Bungay Stanier, author of The Coaching Habit and The Advice Trap talk about ‘How to tame your Advice Monster’.
“You nod, you look engaged, yet caring, yet concerned…” I wonder how many of us are good at faking active listening whilst our brains rush to devise solutions.
As someone who loves problem-solving and offering solutions, wearing both professional hats as a ‘you’re the expert, what shall we do?’ consultant and a ‘tell me more, what else is going on?’ coach is a challenge.
My AGH (Advice Giving Habit) used to be like that excited child stretching their arm up in the air so high that they leave their seat crying “pick me, pick me! I know the answer.” I can’t deny that child is still in me, but I can now ask them to shush and listen.
Why? Because as Michael points out, we often try to solve the wrong problem by thinking that the first problem we hear about is the most important one.
Wrong.
Nancy Kline’s Thinking Environment is based on the same principle; that the more people work through their ideas uninterrupted by comments, solutions and advice, the more interesting and powerful their thoughts will be.
Two hard but vital lessons for me in my career have been to stop your brain racing and listen and think about the best solution, not the first solution.
Learning how to do both of these things has paid remarkable dividends, professionally and personally. And they opened my horizons. The other lessons I learned along the way are:
questions are more powerful, useful and interesting than answers
adding value is not about me having all the answers
it’s OK to stay in the not knowing, the answer will come
Whether you are a leader, manager, consultant, mentor or coach, your role is as a guide.
A guide that enables and empowers others to think, act and move forward. They are the ones who need to come up with the answers for the solutions to feel real and have a chance of being realised. They need to feel the ownership, not rely on advice. Giving and receiving advice can be great sometimes but as Michael Bungay Stanier’s video reminded me, it can limit someone else’s ability to think more – and think better. Advice can lessen their willingness to take ownership and feel like they can’t find the answer themselves.
I’m not a quiet coach. I’m not a coach who ‘knits yoghurt’ as one of my clients calls it. That client and others work with me because I ask challenging questions. I push them to leave their comfort zones and challenge their own beliefs and assumptions. But I do it in a safe way, striking a productive balance between challenge and support.
Of course, I form opinions, that’s what enables me to ask more of those provocative, incisive questions. But I no longer feel compelled to share them. It’s not about me. And if the Advice Giving Monster emerges, I override it by knowing that if I listen more, I’ll learn more. And learning more helps my clients realise and achieve more.
Watch Michael Bungay Stanier in action and see if you recognise some of your own habits and check out his book, The Advice Trap.
Take the quiz to see what type of Advice Monster you have, when it is most likely to emerge and, crucially, how to tame it.
If you’d like someone to help you work out why you are where you are and what might be next, or if you’d like to be challenged to step out of your comfort zone (in a gentle way), why not get in touch and see where a session of Career Therapy could take you?
Introductory calls are always free if you’re curious to find out more about coaching and working with me.
Why not get in touch? Book a call here: https://calendly.com/louisenewton/intro-call
or email me to say hello: louise@careertherapy.co.uk
You can also follow me on Instagram for more tips, talks and tools: @career_therapy_uk
What’s stopping you?
Photo by Vadim Bogulov on Unsplash
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