Sorry! But are you...? Stop saying sorry!

We say sorry when we are not sorry - and don't need to be

Sorry! Are you? Or is it just a reflex to say that?

Something you don’t even notice you are doing… Stop saying sorry. Or at least understand why you are doing it and build self-awareness and self-confidence.

While apologising is, of course, necessary and powerful at times to demonstrate connection and empathy, women often use it as a ‘polite’ or socially conditioned gesture.

STOP saying sorry when you've done nothing wrong!

Social and gender norms create different communication patterns where women end up feeling more pressure to avoid conflict as we are more attuned to social friction.

We might apologise more frequently because of these societal expectations that we should be polite or deferential, especially in work or mixed-gender settings where, as women, we may unconsciously feel the need to step back or avoid being perceived as aggressive or confrontational.

With conditioning, over time saying sorry becomes a reflexive behaviour that can be difficult to break but

over-apologising, saying sorry excessively, can be damaging, undermining a woman’s confidence, authority and credibility

This is especially in professional settings but it impacts in social ones too. If we over-apologise, it sends a signal that we are uncertain or lack of confidence, even when it's not the truth. It puts us in a lesser, inferior, subservient place.

We downplay, covering up how we feel and keeping quiet about what we feel and really want to say. And when we do say what we want to say, we apologise for having feelings.

We apologise when we cry because we’ve been taught it’s a weakness. It isn’t. Its humanity, emotions and expression and we are entitled to feel.

Did a parent deride you for crying? “What are you crying for?” as if you weren’t entitled to express an emotion, because it’s weak? What do you want to say -or shout - at that voice today? Do it. Even if they can’t hear you, you can. And you are not sorry for having emotions, are you?

Think about all the times you might have apologised:

We say sorry for simply being present, being here, taking up a space.

We say sorry when a situation is awkward, as if we have to make it better for others.

We are the first to step down, step back, step away.

We say sorry before disagreeing with someone or expressing our disappointment to soften the impact and not rock the boat.

We say sorry when WE have done nothing wrong, when others have.

We say sorry when others should be.

Why?

Why are we sorry?

Next time you hear yourself say sorry, ask what you are sorry for.  Is it just a reflex, conditioned response - and do you want to decondition?

If you'd help to say sorry less and be more confident, click ‘Book a call’ on the website for a free intro call or email me at louise@careertherapy.co.uk

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Check out my other content on careers and confidence: Are you really sorry?, You can grow your confidence, Pick your shine time, 5 steps to building confidence and this one, Mind the Sorry Gap by the Neural Lab.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash